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Strong-headed

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Hey Jessie! Good to have you back. We're sitting with "strong-headed" today, which showed up as something real for you earlier. Let's get specific about it.

Can you think of a time when being strong-headed cost you something, or created real friction with someone, and you held your ground anyway?

There was this one time when my mom really didn't want me to go to swim practice, but I ran 40 minutes there through the streets.

That's a vivid image. Forty minutes on foot, alone, to get to practice.

Why didn't she want you to go?

She thought that Chinese people weren't meant to be athletic — that I should just put my head down and keep studying.

That's a real clash — not just about swim practice, but about who you're supposed to be.

When you took off running that day, had you two already argued about it, or did you just go?

Well, it was the first time. But we argued about it for a solid ten minutes in the living room before I just took my bag and ran out the door.

Ten minutes of argument, then you just walked out. That's a hard thing to do with your mom.

What were you feeling in those ten minutes, and what shifted that made you finally just go?

I felt rebellious. I didn't like that she was putting me in a box.

That phrase — "putting me in a box" — is doing a lot of work. What was the box, exactly? What did it feel like she was saying you were, or weren't allowed to be?

Again, it felt like she was saying I wasn't supposed to be athletic. That I was never going to be a good swimmer. That my purpose was just to study and get good grades, lol.

And you disagreed with all of that. But which part stung the most?

Just the part where she said I wouldn't be athletic.

Why that part specifically? Was it because you knew she was wrong, or because some part of you was afraid she might be right?

Well, yeah. Actually — now that I think about it, I was afraid she'd be right. I wanted to prove her wrong.

So you ran forty minutes partly to prove something to yourself, not just to her.

What happened when you got to practice that day? Did anything confirm or shake that fear?

Well, no, not really. I just hopped in and swam. But I will say that when I came out, she was in the parking lot waiting for me, crying. I think I realized then that she would always love me.

That's a genuinely moving moment. She showed up.

She disagreed with you enough to argue for ten minutes, and loved you enough to drive to that parking lot anyway. What does that tell you about what being strong-headed actually costs — and maybe also what it can survive?

Perhaps being strong-headed costs my relationships with those who care about me, who just want to protect me and see me head in the right direction. It's all well meaning, at the end of the day.

That's a real insight, and an honest one. You're not just saying "I was right and she was wrong." You're holding both things at once: her love was real, and you still had to go anyway.

Do you think you'd make the same choice again, knowing what it cost her in that moment?

Hm, probably. I think I value myself, and I think it taught me a lot about my relationship with her.

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